The Miracle of Decompression

Last night I was running at the park and had to take it easy on an uphill climb, because I had a headache that was begging me to slow down. I started walking, then realized that I had a scowl on my face. ??? As soon as I smoothed out my face, I felt calmer and my headache started going away. Where am I going with this, you ask?

It made me wonder just how much damage I do to my body on a daily basis by letting stress creep in without decompressing somehow. I don't always do that whole, ya know, decompression thing at the end of the day. I tell myself I don't have the time. I have to pay bills; I have to finally read through that stack of magazines; I have to do the dishes (pssshaa! That doesn't ever happen, but at least I think about it); I have to, I have to, I have to..... What the heck is that all about? I mean....by the time I'm "ready" for bed, I'm more stimulated than if I had just drank a pot of coffee, because, gee....God forbid I don't get on Facebook one night! So many exciting things to read, see, and do. Seriously, who wouldn't want to know what their 80s cartoon character is?? [Rainbow Bright, by the way. Just sayin'.]

So! New goal: Decompress, Maria! At least give it 30 minutes of "quiet time." Turn off the TV; turn off the computer; listen to the fish tank filter, feel the weight of Dexter hanging on your lap, and read. Then, go lay in bed, and meditate. Voila! Decompressed body, mind, and soul.

Who knows...perhaps I can attribute this daily decompression thing to a natural pregnancy miracle someday.

The Cape

We went away to Cape Cod for the weekend for our 5th anniversary. It rained the first day and a half, but then cleared up and was gorgeous for the last day and a half. We are beat! And very happy to be home with our boys.

Despite the rain, I was in such a great mood, I was even able to dodge the obligatory "So, do you have kids?" question from everyone at the Bed & Breakfast where we stayed (totally recommend it, by the way....beautiful place, beautiful hospitality....winning combo). I always answered with some kind of dog/cat comment....."Yup, two dogs and two cats" or something to that effect. It worked! :-)

AF came today, and she is beautiful......nice red flow, and NO endo pain. Yippee....back on track. Although I DID indulge in quite a bit of wine while in Cape Cod. ;-)

When we got home, there was a package from Holt International. My heart skipped a beat...and this is only the beginning.

Self-indulgence

Interesting thing, self-care. I never really realized how much I DON'T do it until I actually DID it. I'm usually busy cleaning the house, cooking, working, or doing school stuff (reminder: have PILES of research to look at...ugh)....but I rarely take the time to just "be" and really take care of me.

So, this morning I went for a run in the park. Instead of hanging on the track, I took the perimeter for more immersion into nature. This isn't so unusual.....I love to hike, and I totally love to hang out in the woods among trees and dogs and...well, let's be honest...fewer people. ;-)

But today was different....I ran farther and with greater comfort than I ever have (we're not talking a marathon, here, folks...shoot....not even a 5K...but whatever). The only reason I stopped was because I was pressed for time. THEN.....THEN.....I sat down at the base of a tree. In the shade. I turned my iPod to a guided meditation, and I meditated. For 15 whole minutes.

I have never done this before (in the park, that is). And for the life of me, I can't figure out why. It was pure self-indulgence, and I adored every single solitary moment of it. Even when this one guy looked at me funny and pretended to fix his socks so he could stare at me, staring at the ground, with my fingers in the traditional meditative finger mudra. Mind you, where I grew up in So Cal this is a common sight and I would've been plainly ignored. But, in New Jersey?? Ha! The guy probably thought I'd lost my marbles. Guess I'll never see HIM in Whole Foods with wheatgrass stuffed in his Envirosax and yoga mat for later.

Anyway......what a beautiful morning it was. Just me and my run and meditation (and the weird sock guy).

Self-care. I must indulge more often.

Off-track; Universe-aligned

I think that last AF threw me for a loop, and I almost completely fell off the TCM bandwagon. Grrrr.... BUT, I am being gentle with myself, knowing that I will shortly be there again. I've noticed the affects of not taking the herbs as I should and also not eating as well as I should. My endo pain is a regular visitor, although not nearly as bad as it has been in the past. I ovulated later this cycle than I would like, but not nearly as late as it's been in the past (I think it was around CD 18 or so?). Soooooo...before this gets too much worse, I will be full speed ahead with the herbs and diet improvements.

Goal for the next two weeks: Meditate! At least 5 minutes a day to start....I really think I am in dire need of some increased self-care. I worry too much, and I'm starting to notice the effects of chronic anxiety.

Not that this has anything to do with my stress [insert sarcasm inflection here], but my job just announced that they are closing the department, and I will be laid off in "6 months to a year." My friend said, "I feel like I've just been given a cancer diagnosis." Surprisingly, I feel quite okay about myself.....just started my private practice and feel confident that I will be okay financially. Still, the unknown is difficult....

Wow....just like infertility, eh? The unkown...

Adoption stuff: I submitted the application!!!! Woo-hoo!!! It felt good too!!!! I just feel like we are on the right track....like we are in line with the Universe. Now...I'm just going to "know" that finances will figure themselves out....and they will. Law of Attraction, right? ;-)

Optimism

So, I've been doing all of the same stuff this cycle as I have for the past several cycles, and I've been sooooo optimistic, because of the incredible improvements that my body is showing. But, this LAST AF was awful. :-(

Come Friday last week (9/11), I was supposed to hang with friends and instead found myself drugging it up and crashing on the couch due to endo pain. WTF??? Also, the pain usually lasts for a much shorter period of time, but this lasted ALL FREAKIN' DAY!!! My flow was totally unusual as well.....much shorter and much....eh-hem....darker. NOT what a TCM person wants to see!

Given this crap and some symptoms I was having prior to AF, I wonder if I may have actually had an early m/c. Metal taste in my mouth, sheer exhaustion, and emotional flatlining are among the unusual symptoms I noticed prior to AF. It's just a thought.... AND if it IS the case, it would make me actually feel even more optimistic (counterintuitive I know). The last time I was aware that I conceived was August 2005.

Wow.

I'm now cursing myself for not taking an HPT. But, whatever....we'll see what happens this cycle.

In other news, T asked me yesterday (are you ready for THIS???), "Did you put in the adoption application yet?" Um, HUH???? I was shocked into silence for a sec before stammering out that I hadn't done it yet. I smiled wide....inside and out. :-D